Labelling a cat and other failures: End to End

Parts to a cat

Lola peeks out and becomes a motorhead.

There are two parts to a cat:

The part you’ll never know.                                         

The part that you think you do.

In between these two, lies the mystery. And cats have persevered to let it stay that way for centuries. Unlike their poorer cousins – dogs.

 

Tail. More a device to let you know it’s listening. If it’s listening to you at all. Most times the cat doesn’t. Except if you say “come!” and head to the kitchen. That’s when the whole of the cat is one with you.

Other uses of a tail – to show you it doesn’t care when it’s walking out the door.  Also to let you know she’s pissed off. That’s when it goes off like a drum stick.

A tail is the pride of a cat – along with the rest of a cat. (refer to Part I).

Eyes. They’ll rarely if ever look at you straight. That’s cos’ cats aren’t straight-faced. If you tell that to a cat, she’ll most likely have a face-palm expression equivalent. Or roll eyes to the ceiling equivalent.

You know how binoculars work? Cats are at the other end of the distance looking inwards. At you. When their eyes become that pin-shaped – you better not be the one she’s looking at.

On any day that a cat deems to look at you straight, you’d better look into your own soul.

Tongue. Industrial strength sandpaper and Hoover. If she’ll ever lick you with that sandpaper, it only means some part of you has strayed in the way of the tongue. Or rarer still, she wants you to know she likes you. For just that moment. Don’t extend that liking moment on your own.

Claws. Regularly sharpened. Like an entire army stationed at the border, cats keep their weapons in regular working condition. The claws stay concealed to the point of guerrilla surprise attacks.

Lola checks out the fish menu and then prepares the stove.

Stomach. Unlike us walking-on-two-limb-ones exposing our delicate parts, cats keep all their delicates well under cover. She’ll never show you her stomach. Unless she’s had the best afternoon feed ever (after the morning feed) and that’s when her stomach is exposed to the heavens. She’s letting digestion take its course to the final posterior.

Cat repose. If you ever catch a cat in repose, admire the repose like a work of the Great Artists. The cat is the Great Artist.

Stretch & Yawn. Never been matched, yawn executed perfectly into your face right after you’ve displayed immense love for the cat. A cat stretches full length better than any yoga asana after every nap, sleep, rest, lay-about and even existential staring into space.

 

Lola finds the corners for a full stretch inside a box. Fat Boy after many meals...known to visit multiple houses for one or multiple meals.

The whole cat.

Regular body. Like a bus standing on tall tyres and exhaust at the other end.

Parachute body. When a dog strays in her path. She’ll flare up her body about twice its normal size, walk sideways, tail as thick as an African bush concealing a hippo. She’ll spit fire and hiss black mamba poison. Wise dogs will walk away. Wiser cat will cut her own path with a ‘don’t repeat that again’ back look.

Know your cat. Get over it. You’ll never know your cat. So might as well make that a - No Your Cat.

Cats are great at building a personality. We’re referring to yours, not the cat’s. A cat comes kitted out with a personality. She’ll teach you a few about shoring up your own. If you don’t have a personality, give yourself away. The cat will find someone else.

Guilt and a cat. You can never make a cat feel guilty. Try shouting at a cat. Try scolding a cat. Try admonishing a cat. A cat’ll make you feel guilty for trying to admonish her about her non-existing guilt. Then when the cat has made you feel guilty, don’t expect any solace.

Talking to a cat. She never talks to you. Unless you’ve somehow forgotten to feed her. Then she’ll stroll along to wherever you are (in bed, bath or bare) and whatever state you are in (including middle of a blood organ donation) and remind you of your royal duties. Don’t get carried away. The cat’s the royalty, you’re the server.

A cat investigation. If a cat has to investigate something, even Sherlock Holmes politely steps away from the scene.

Love a cat or hate a cat, gotta love a hat cat.

The Cat existentialism. You’ll find the cat often staring into space. The cat wonders often. It wonders why the others wonder about their own existence. The cat knows why others exist. To feed her. To keep her comfortable. To keep her happy. Don’t get over yourself. The cat knows how to keep happy. For example, don’t feel happy about feeding a cat. It’s your solemn duty to feed a cat. That’s why you exist. That closes the existential loop.

Curiosity killed the cat? Don’t know (refer to note on No Your Cat). What helps to remember is that cats have nine lives. Cats ration out their curiosity over a few lifespans. 

Last.

Cat Name: The cat has already chosen its own name. And will respond to your given name out of pity to your frequent repetitions.

Vital food lessons being imparted by fat cat to little cat. 

Cat Food. Fish. The only thing capable of moving a cat beyond its self-defined boundary of excitement.

 

Also remember, the cat domesticated itself to spend time with you. It still has eight other lives to live.